Dreams of Fish
Fragments
The Seven Deadly Social Sins
My Enemy
San Francisco, Strippers, and Satan
New Town
Interviews with the People in My Neighborhood
First Dateh
Reunion
Tasty Recipes
Job Search, Pt. 1
Republic, Pt. 2
Scientology
The Girl Who Works at Tower Records on Thursday Afternoons
Meat Market
Fun Pranks
My Best Friend is My Dentist
Tips For Scoring With the Ladies...
Now take it from me -- they don't call me I don't call myself the "babemonster" for nothing. If there is one thing that I know, it is how to get the ladies. It is not as if this skill, this GIFT, really, came to me out of nowhere. These rules of thumb are the results of years of research, experience, restraining orders, and litigation. And now, out of the goodness of my heart, I am providing these tips for the public to see and follow....
1. Don't tell her, unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, that you still live with your parents.
Sure, you're 32 years old, unemployed, and still saving up your hard-to-come-by cash for the security deposit for your own place. Believe me when I tell you that I understand how hard it is to save that money when you're also investing in new headers and a cat-back exhaust system for your SWEET new Dodge Neon.
Chicks don't understand the importance of making certain sacrifices (e.g.living with your parents) in order to attain loftier goals, like making that Dodge Neon HAUL SOME FUCKIN' ASS! They might see it as "lame" or "creepy" that your parents still cook for you, do your cleaning, etc. This is a chick thing. Don't ask me to explain it, I only know what they tell me.
You can get around this problem pretty easily. Don't bring the ladies to your parents house. What do you need to bring them home for that cannot be accomplished in the comfort of your aforementioned Dodge Neon?
2. Chicks aren't that impressed with air guitar.
If you're anything like myself, you know that EDDIE VAN HALEN FUCKING ROCKS. And if you're anything like myself, you go nuts when you hear those divebomb harmonics in the intro to "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" and have no choice but to assume the position: right hand pickin', left hand bridgin', head BANGIN'.
Now, the fact that you may be accurately playing that lead thanks to transcriptions from that 1983 issue of Guitar Player magazine is probably irrelevant: she thinks that you are a dumbass. I know this for a fact because I have gotten the same reaction from dozens of women. Without fail, after you play air guitar for about three minutes, the lady will shake her head sadly, avoiding eye contact. Trust me. It's happened over and over again. Whenever I asked, "Hey, what the fuck is your problem?" The answer most commonly involved the word "idiot," followed in a close second by "retard."
The way around this is kind of hard, seeing as how we all love Van Halen. Basically, when you're out on a date, don't bring the 'Halen tapes with you. Instead, bring some U2 tapes. Be sure to mention how much you love Bono's voice and how it brings out the instrumentation. Sure, it's all bullshit -- those guys are pussies and can't hammer their strings for shit -- but trust me when I say that you will have a better chance of impressing the chicks.
3. Try not to mention Hitler too much.
Let me share my story with you: I was out with this chick and we were having a pretty good time, having just shared the Fresh Mex sampler at Chevy's ™ (I don't know why they list it as an "appetizer," because my lady-friend and myself were pretty stuffed after splitting that sucker for dinner). We were on our way to The Broken Rack, a favorite watering-hole of mine, when we started chit-chatting. Naturally, I brought up Hitler. So I've covered most of his rise to power and started talking about the invasion of Poland when I noticed that she was getting sort of freaked-out. She told me to take her home, I did, and I haven't heard from her again.
Now I know that I'm not the only one who has tried to impress a girl by talking about Hitler. Back me up on this one, bro's. The thing is, not all chicks are the same. You know, some are tall, some are short, some are fat, some are totally fat, and some don't like to hear about Hitler.
I'll leave it up to you to make the call on what to talk about on your first date, just keep in mind my story.
4. Hunting wild ducks is at least a third or fourth date activity.
Nature is a treasure. There is nothing more invigorating than going out onto the lake at the crack of dawn and watching the sun rise above you. There is nothing more romantic than sharing this with the lady in your life and there is nothing more intense than combining that with the challenge of shooting ducks.
Keep in mind, though, that proper training in the protocols of hunting as well as the use of firearms is vital and cannot be learned automatically. Therefore, wait until the third or fourth date until you take your main squeeze duck hunting.
5. You can't make her like you more by beating up her boss.
We all hate our boss. It's a fact. They tell us what to do, they keep us from screwing around, they punish us when we fail. It's only natural that we (your woman included, of course) want to kick their asses now and then. However, showing up at your woman's place of work and assaulting her boss for her is not as romantic as it sounds. Sure, she'll be impressed, but you might open a whole new can of worms.
First, there are severe legal repercussions to deal with. Assault and battery is still illegal everywhere in the civilized world. If your lady happens to work for the government, you may be charged with an extremely serious federal offense.
Second, your strength and your ability to KICK ASS are best demonstrated on a gradual basis. If you have not beaten someone up in front of your lady before, it is best to start small, like with the kid at Burger King who screws up your order. Take it step-by-step from that point, beating up people of increasing physical stature and social standing. Work your way up to her boss eventually, but wait until your relationship is established and you have at least beaten up a couple of her coworkers already.
Third, despite the fact that you are 32 years-old and live at home, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to prove that you are macho. After all, you already drive a tricked-out Dodge Neon, play air-guitar, and like duck hunting. So what would you have to prove by kicking some skinny suit's ass?
My father was a tough son of a bitch. When I would hear children …