Dreams of Fish
Fragments
The Seven Deadly Social Sins
My Enemy
San Francisco, Strippers, and Satan
New Town
Interviews with the People in My Neighborhood
First Dateh
Reunion
Tasty Recipes
Job Search, Pt. 1
Republic, Pt. 2
Scientology
The Girl Who Works at Tower Records on Thursday Afternoons
Meat Market
Fun Pranks
My Best Friend is My Dentist
Tips For Scoring With the Ladies...
I sat back in the chair and tried to relax. It was difficult. It wasn't so much that I was scared of the dentist: even as a young child, I prided myself in never being intimidated by the dentist and never once crying or being difficult. That's changed since I've become an adult. I know, now, that people aren't exactly trustworthy. In addition, I know that they are prone to faults. After all, what is to stop the dentist from taking his handheld laser to THE CENTER OF MY EYE? Nothing could stop him, really. It only takes one bad thing to set him over the edge. Perhaps he didn't get laid the night before, but wanted to. Maybe he didn't get enough pieces of shrimp in the cocktail he ordered at lunchtime. Maybe his favorite celebrity turned out to be queer. You never know. People have been set off by much less. I sweated as he explained the laser procedure.
It's not just dentists. Anybody can kill me and, therefore, is a potential enemy. Everything I do in life is based on the principle of protection. Someone in a car can always lose control or, worse, gain control from a distasteful perspective and nail me. For that reason, I bought a large car, larger than almost any other non-commercial car on the road. At any time, someone might snap, walk around with a gun, and begin shooting people, myself included. For this reason, I vote for the most stringent gun control laws available. Others are enemies because they are sick. They may be carrying the flu or some other viral infection. One bad contact and I'm on the road to death, if everything happens just right. For that reason, I avoid people. Well, for that reason and the fact that I don't particularly like too many of the people I know.
I sweated as he began taking the laser to my mouth. There was a horrible charred smell and little wisps of smoke as he began the treatment. He made small talk as he worked. His fiance'e is in her first year of residency at Stanford. He doesn't see her that much and their days off together are few. He only has Sundays off and spends them alone. Most of his friends are still down south and he only meets patients up here. I continued to sweat. Lonely people are more prone to going crazy. He is, therefore, a potential enemy. He continued to burn my anesthetized mouth. Dear sweet God, I said, mentally, to no one in particular, please don't let him burn my eye. He stopped for a moment, putting the laser down and drained my mouth. Thank you, dear Lord, I said, mentally, to no one in particular.
So what do you do on weekends?
I don't do much, I said, I fish, go out with friends, do a lot of reading. Lately, I've been working some weekends. Sometimes, I watch movies.
Really? Do you like Hong Kong films?
Yeah, but I don't know too many. I just have the Wong Fei Hong movies on tape, those and a couple of John Woo movies.
Man! I love those. I have a whole collection of DVDs. We should hang out.
Oh…sure.
It is much better to be on a potential enemy's good side, it just makes it a little less likely that he will harm you. He finished the treatment and I was a little calmer. There was a little less reason for frightening and intrusive thoughts. He explained, when it was over, that I would need four more session over the next four weeks. I made sure to give him my business card including my cellular phone number. I shook his hand with gratitude and warmth. After all, for the next four weeks, I am going to work damn hard at being a friend.
My father was a tough son of a bitch. When I would hear children …