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Dreams of Fish
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The Seven Deadly Social Sins
My Enemy
San Francisco, Strippers, and Satan
New Town
Interviews with the People in My Neighborhood
First Dateh
Reunion
Tasty Recipes
Job Search, Pt. 1
Republic, Pt. 2
Scientology
The Girl Who Works at Tower Records on Thursday Afternoons
Meat Market
Fun Pranks
My Best Friend is My Dentist
Tips For Scoring With the Ladies...

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Interviews with the People in My Neighborhood

Community is based on individuals. Each individual has his or her own story, an oral record if you will. The combination of a community's histories, the oral tradition, is the foundation of culture, as can be seen in the narratives that have evolved into history, myth, and even religion. This was on my mind as I drove home from work, notepad in hand, I decided to explore my community and our role in the fabric of the American Zeitgeist.

My neighbor's Toyota Corolla was parked in my assigned spot and I went to his apartment and knocked on his door to conduct the first segment of my project:

AN INTERVIEW WITH THE NEIGHBOR WHO PARKED IN MY ASSIGNED PARKING SPOT
Mr. Whiskers: What the hell is your problem, man?
Neighbor Who Parked in My Assigned Parking Spot (hereafter referred to as NWPIMAPS): What?
Mr. Whiskers: You parked in my fucking spot. There's no spaces available and I had to park in the street.
NWPIMAPS: Hey, I just needed to bring in my groceries....
Mr. Whiskers: What, and I don't have any fucking groceries to bring in either? Did you think of that? No, because you're an asshole! I parked way the hell out on the goddamn street! Now move your fucking car!
NWPIMAPS: Fuck you!
Mr. Whiskers: Fuck me? FUCK YOU! I'll just talk to the manager about this....
NWPIMAPS: Go ahead, I don't give a fuck
Mr. Whiskers: I know that...I can tell by your fat ass and your Member's Only jacket that you don't give a fuck!

And so ended my interview with the Neighbor Who Parked in My Assigned Parking Spot.

At this point, I walked to the rental office and conducted

AN INTERVIEW WITH MY APARTMENT COMPLEX'S MANAGER
Mr. Whiskers: Brenda, the asshole over in unit 40 keeps...
My Apartment Complex's Manager (hereafter referred to as MACM): First of all, I don't appreciate that kind of language...
Mr. Whiskers: Excuse me then, the dickhead over in unit 40 keeps parking in my spot. At least part of my rent covers the cost of parking and by letting him get away with shit like that, you're not keeping up your end of the deal. That's fucked up.
MACM: I said that I don't appreciate that kind of language.
Mr. Whiskers: Okay. Sorry. What the hell are we going to do?
MACM: We can have it towed if he does it again but you would have to...
Mr. Whiskers: Shit, Brenda! Eleven hundred dollars a month for twelve months is about ten...twelve...it's a lot of money! The least you can do is talk to the pissant.
MACM: Don't expect me to do you any favors if...
Mr. Whiskers: Favors? Fucking hell....

I walked out of the rental office. And so ended my interview with My Apartment Complex's Manager.

I walked back to my apartment. Two young boys, aged 10 or 11, were having a watergun fight. One of them missed and got water on my shirt, at which point I conducted

AN INTERVIEW WITH A YOUNG BOY CARRYING A WATERGUN
Mr. Whiskers: Hey! What are you? Stupid? What the hell's your problem? Come back here!
A Young Boy Carrying a Watergun (hereafter referred to as AYBCAW): ...
Mr. Whiskers: Come back here you little piss...er...you little brat! Get back here!
AYBCAW: Dickhead!

He ran away. And so ended my interview with A Young Boy Carrying A Watergun.

I went inside my apartment and changed my shirt. As I was putting on a new shirt, I noticed a fly was buzzing around near one of the windows. I grabbed my flyswatter and walked up to it, finally cornering it against a window pane, at which point I conducted

AN INTERVIEW WITH A FLY IN MY APARTMENT
Mr. Whiskers: Hey! You think you can get away?
Fly: Bzzz
Mr. Whiskers: Well you can't. You're fucked. FUCKED!
Fly: ...

I began swatting him furiously. He was dead. And so ended my interview with A Fly In My Apartment. I spent the rest of the evening drinking alcohol alone and eating pizza while watching a pornographic movie featuring amputees. And so ended my project.

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