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First Dateh
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Job Search, Pt. 1
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The Girl Who Works at Tower Records on Thursday Afternoons
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My Best Friend is My Dentist
Tips For Scoring With the Ladies...

Linsroll

50 Questions

  1. What's one thing you wish you could do but can't?
    Using medical science, I would like to join all of the people in the entire world together in such a way that they shared a single, unified ass. Then I would kick it.
  2. What time of the day do you like to take a shit?
    Usually as soon as the Japanese film crew is set up. I also take special requests, but only if the price is right.
  3. What is your ideal marriage location?
    For legal reasons, it would be Hawaii, where same-sex unions are recognized. For personal reasons, it would be in a prison. Therefore, it would be in a Hawaiian prison.
  4. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
    I always wished I could play the banjo as well as that kid in Burt Reynolds’ 1972 romantic comedy, Deliverance.
  5. What's your favorite sexual position?
    I like any position with anybody, male and/or female, regardless of health, just so long as I don't have to wear one of those goddamned condoms.
  6. Favorite fabric?
    Leathers, furs, and animal hides always carry a certain charm...I'm really into the sort of fashion depicted in Boris Vallejo paintings and the Conan movies. They don't really make clothes like that, though, so I wear a lot of rayon and velvet instead.
  7. Something you love and hate?
    I'm very proud of the fact that I served in Vietnam, but I hate that it still haunts me to this day. I wake up most nights sweating...just thinking about the gooks crossing that wire brings it all back....
  8. What kind of bedding do you use?
    I am a wanderer...when you live as dangerously as I do, you don't know where you will sleep from one night to the next.
  9. What kind of soap do you use?
    None. Sometimes I just wipe off on the sheet, if even that.
  10. Do you tell your friends about your sex life?
    No, although I am writing a novel that will detail everything. Hopefully it will get published. I'm currently writing Chapter 12, which is named after your mother. Chapter 11 was about your sister.
  11. What's the one language you want to learn?
    Mexican.
  12. How do you eat an apple?
    With all the horrible pesticides in use today, I prefer not to include apples in my diet.
  13. What do you order at a bar?
    I don't drink much, but, in areas I'm not familiar with, I make sure to ask the bartender where a guy can find a piece of ass around these parts. If for some reason he doesn't have an answer, I pull the gun out from my holster, put it on the bar, and ask him again.
  14. Have you ever pierced your body parts? If so, where?
    Never gave myself any piercings, but I could easily rip anyone else a new one.
  15. Do you have tattoos?
    Two. "Sweet" above my right nipple, "Sour" above my left one.
  16. Would you ever admit to having done plastic surgery of any kind if confronted?
    Sure. Just the other day, I was discussing my foreskin reclamation with my grandmother. She seemed very upset and disturbed, but I think that deep down inside, she understood the joke.
  17. What's one of the "funnest" things you've ever done?
    Wild, unprotected sex with an intravenous drug user.
  18. Do you drive stick?
    You should ask your mother about that.
  19. What's one trait you hate in a person?
    I can’t pick just one trait. I guess that it is a tossup between celibacy and pacifism.
  20. What's the soonest that you've slept with someone (or hypothetically)?
    Three seconds (that's how long it takes for me to knock someone unconscious)
  21. What kind of watch(es) do you wear?
    None. When you live as I do, time is an unimportant concept.
  22. Most frivolous purchase?
    Hahaha...I'll always regret paying so much for that mailorder bride.
  23. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
    No, I am a man of simple tastes.
  24. What do you cook the best?
    Crystal methamphetamine
  25. Favorite writing instrument?
    Makeshift tattoo rig (Bic pen, guitar string, and black india ink)
  26. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
    Blend in. But I always do make sure to have something that secretly sets me apart...like the zebra-patterned g-string I am wearing underneath my khakis.
  27. Do you have anything monogrammed?
    A guy I met in prison once carved his initials on my hip...does that count?
  28. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
    Yes, but only from the waist down.
  29. What's one car you will never buy?
    I would not buy any car. I prefer riding my BMX bicycle.
  30. Have you ever done drugs?
    Yes. And I feel that Americans have a far too extreme view regarding so-called drugs. There are medicinal, cultural, and economic values to certain mind-altering substances that are constantly overlooked. Which is why we should legalize crack.
  31. What kind of books do you like to read?
    I like to sit back in a bubble bath with Edgar Rice Burroughs' Tarzan series, Robert E. Howard's Conan series, and Penthouse's Forum collections.
  32. If you won the lottery, what would you do first?
    Money means very little to me. I already make more than enough to live on every night as a male escort. I imagine that if it came down to it, though, I would probably take each of my tricks out to a fancy dinner.
  33. Burial or cremation?
    Neither. I want to be freeze-dried and stuffed with candy. Then I want to be hung from a tree, where everyone at my funeral can take turns hitting me with a stick while blindfolded.
  34. How many online journals do you read regularly?
    I can’t say that I am a big fan of the “internet.” I mostly just use computers to organize contact information for my “clients.”
  35. What's one thing you're a sore loser at?
    Anal sex.
  36. If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
    Have sex with him/her then call the police and charge them with statutory rape. (I have a fake ID that is so good that even the police think it’s real). Then I wait outside the police station and wait for their parents to post bail. Once they show up, I have sex with them. Then I have them charged as well.
  37. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
    Like I said, I'm not much of a drinker. I'm more into pursuits of an...erotic nature.
  38. Favorite kind of p0rn?
    The movie, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape has all of the erotic elements I look for in pornography.
  39. Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends?
    It's what I get paid to do, isn't it?
  40. Do you cry in front of friends?
    I am a warrior barbarian in the battle that is called life. Warriors do not cry.
  41. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
    Savage, sexy, and cerebral.
  42. What's one thing you like to do alone?
    Enjoy long meditative walks in the sunset, especially when I am high on crack.
  43. What's the worst thing you ever said to someone?
    "Here, eat this. I just did."
  44. Are you a giver or a taker?
    Both. (see above)
  45. What have you stolen before?
    The hearts of many young women and men across the nation.
  46. When's the right time to go to the bathroom in front of your significant other?
    Once the money has exchanged hands, the Japanese film crew is set up, and your significant other has assumed the proper position.
  47. Favorite communication method?
    My middle finger.
  48. What is one thing you don't leave home without?
    Genitalia
  49. How often do you have sex?
    So often that I don't even know anymore whether I'm having sex or not. But that's the nature of my business. I chose my path a long time ago.
  50. What's the most painful experience you've ever had?
    When you are into wild, unprotected sex with intravenous drug users, you run into a lot of painful experiences daily. So many that you probably cannot recall the most painful one.

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